molting is not always a choice

for lobsters or humans

It has not been an easy couple weeks, personally speaking.

I began this rather lighthearted post about molting and lobsters a few weeks ago, but never finished because I got derailed by life.

But let’s start with the light, or rather, the lobster. His name is Leon. Maybe you’ve heard of him. Apparently he’s a hit on YouTube.

The creator of these videos is a guy named Brady Brandwood, who one day came up with the novel idea to buy a grocery store lobster and keep him as a pet. Not only did he save the lobster, who he named Leon, but the videos he created about his rehabilitation turned into a story about second chances that took on a life of its own online.

The night my boyfriend showed me the video, I was not in the mood. For videos or anything else. Single mom life is no joke, and I don’t recall what happened that day, but I was tired. Bone tired. But I when I watched the first episode I was immediately captured by the initial set up of the story.

What might happen if you take home a lobster and put it in a tank instead of a pot?

In the initial video, one of the first things Brady does after releasing Leon into his new home is remove the confining rubber bands around his claws.

His narration is both scientific and compassionate. I imagine it feels good to have those off, Brady says, and I couldn’t help but agree. Over time he observes Leon attempt to use his claws, which at first do not work, but eventually return to full strength. Faint scars from the bands remain, until Leon molts.

Molting is the shedding of one’s skin, or in this case, shell, to reveal something new and fresh.

Molting is NOT easy. It sure didn’t look easy for Leon. And why would it be? Imagine trying to pull your tender freshly formed body out of an encasement that is too small and no longer suits you. It’s also dangerous in the wild because an animal is vulnerable to predators when it molts.

While we humans don’t molt, we do change over time. We grow into different versions of ourselves, we grow apart from people we once loved.

When was the last time I molted? The answer wasn’t hard to come by.

Choosing to leave my marriage was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. In part because it wasn’t a decision that would only affect me. It was global for my kids. I literally blew up their lives - to save my own.

What a shitty choice to have to make, and yet, it was the only one possible. Friends and family reassured me that I was helping my kids by getting out of an unhealthy marriage, modeling self-care, blah blah blah. But try telling that to a kid who has no choice in the matter. Kids aren’t looking ahead at what might be “best” for their futures. They are living in the now, and for newly divorced kids, the now often sucks.

There is the before - parents together, maybe unhappily, maybe terribly unhappily, but together, in one house. Then the after - poof. Family imploded. Custody split. Lives shattered. For better or for worse.

They don’t get to choose that particular molt.

Circling back to my current life sitch, my younger kid is going through a depression. An unexpected molt, if you will. We are figuring it out, therapists and doctors have been seen, etc., but this molt was not one I chose, and to be clear, neither did my kid.

And yet we still have to endure it.

When I watched Leon the lobster molt, his struggle was real, and frustrating to witness. Watching my child suffer is terrifying, in part because there is a fear that he won’t be able to finish the molt, that he’ll get stuck.

During Leon’s molts, and there have been more than one, Brady witnessed them with patience and care, but from a distance. He did not, could not, intervene.

While I can set my child up with all the supports available, I can’t do the molt for him. All I can do is keep him comfortable and safe, reassure him that he will get through this, and that he’s not alone.

I will remind him, and myself, that nothing stays the same. For better or for worse.

Maybe I will watch some Leon videos with him, and we will see for ourselves.